Is Your Boss a Bully? Stop Being the Target.

The total jobless rate in the US is 10.2%, according to the latest report from the Bureau of Labor Statistics. As the number of employees dwindles, companies are requiring fewer people to do more work, burdening an already stressed workforce.

Bullies, especially bullying bosses, are unaffordable. According to Robert Sutton’s The No Asshole Rule, the TCA (total cost of assholes), while difficult to calculate, is very expensive — in time, money, and workplace wellness. Although bullying is legal in every U.S. state, the Workplace Bullying Institute (WBI) is currently working to introduce legislation in several states, increasing the opportunities for prohibitively expensive lawsuits against employers.

Workplace bullying may be old news, but there’s no quick fix, particularly when the bully is your boss. In fact, brains of bullies may actually work differently, according to Jean Decety, a neuroscientist at the University of Chicago, who conducted fMRI scans of typical children and those with aggressive conduct disorder: “When you see someone in pain, you get an aversive signal. It’s unpleasant, it’s negative. And for the bullies, it’s not unpleasant. It’s really pleasant, it’s positive, it’s even rewarding.”

But don’t lose hope. “[N]euroscience has also discovered that the human brain is highly plastic,” says David Rock in his article “Managing with the Brain in Mind.” “Neural connections can be reformed, new behaviors can be learned, and even the most entrenched behaviors can be modified at any age.”

But waiting for people to change doesn’t give you much control in the present. So here’s what you can do, now, to deal with a bullying boss. As bullying is a “power-over” dynamic, it’s important to create personal power reserves: depersonalize and reframe; avoid engaging in bullying or “relational aggression” behaviors yourself; focus on producing excellent work; and take extra care of yourself — eat well, exercise, get enough sleep, laugh, and surround yourself with people and activities you love outside of work.

Try these tips to get that bully off your back — even if that bully is your boss:

1. Document and define the bullying. Is it actually bullying? “Women who exert ‘male’ leadership styles are in danger of being perceived as bossy. Men who do the same thing are often praised as decisive,” says John Medina. Look for patterns over time vs. isolated incidents, privately document the facts and specific actions. Finally, look at your company’s culture. Is bullying or aggressive behavior rewarded?
2. Consider your options and make a choice. If the culture supports or rewards bullying, seriously consider if this environment is for you. “Much of the repeated mistreatment that characterizes bullying relies on a poisoned, sick workplace to permit and sustain the madness,” according to WBI psychologists Ruth and Gary Namie. According to the Labor Day 2009 Survey conducted by the WBI, employers do nothing to correct the bully 53.6% of the time ,and 37% of the targets experienced retaliation for taking action.
3. Nip bullying in the bud &#8212 carefully. Privately derailing someone who is yelling at you by calmly repeating their name can be highly effective. Not so when your boss belittles you in a meeting. (Never out a bully in public; it will surely escalate things.) Once bullying is successful it rapidly becomes a habit — neurons that fire together, wire together — address it when it begins. The Bully at Work and the WBI discuss making formal complaints including legal parameters. In the Company of Women (Heim, Murphy and Golant) and Mean Girls Grown Up (Dellasega) deal specifically with Woman-on-Woman Bullying and relational aggression, providing concrete strategies for creating alliances, interrupting behavior patterns and moving forward effectively and productively.
4. Grow a support system. Hire a coach, talk to a therapist, or find a mentor or trusted friend. It’s as important to get honest feedback about your experiences, perceptions, reactions, as it is to know that you are not alone.

Just because someone’s your boss doesn’t mean you need to take a workplace beating. These steps can help you find your way out of target range and into a better work environment.

Cheryl Dolan is an Executive Coach and Speech/Language Pathologist, specializing in Leadership, Presentation, Communication and Creativity. Faith Oliver, President of Oliverworks, is a thought leader who marshals innovative thinking and techniques to help organizations.