"I have a question," a woman we'll call Tricia said to me during the break at a leadership training class I was teaching, "and I'd rather not ask it in front of everyone." Everyone being her colleagues, the other heads of departments at a financial services company.

We stepped outside the classroom. "It's my number two person, Joe," she told me. "He's a good performer but he's constantly taking credit for things, and goes overboard to try to get visibility. He thinks he's a team player but it doesn't feel that way to me or others in the group."

Hmmm, I wondered, why is she hesitant to talk about this in front of the others? Then, almost as an afterthought she added, "I think he's after my job."

Oh.

There are two issues here:

1. Joe hogging credit and visibility
2. Tricia's fear that Joe is gunning for her job

Normally Tricia would have no problem talking to Joe about the first issue. It's the second issue that makes the first one hard to discuss. The negative fantasy goes like this: If I talk about Joe's ambitions I might put the idea in people's heads. My boss and peers might start to think, "Hey, you know what? Maybe Joe should have her job."

Tricia's not alone. We face this double whammy all the time. You bungle a project but don't talk about it because you fear you'll get fired. You're overworked but hesitate to raise it because you worry about exposing your lack of capability. You're concerned a client isn't getting enough value but resist mentioning it because you're afraid you might lose the client.

The first issue — the bungled project, the overwork, the client's possible dissatisfaction — is public, professional, observable, and matter of fact. It needs to be discussed.

The second issue — the fear — is private, personal, emotional, and often, paralyzing.

Tricia doesn't know that Joe's after her job, she just senses and dreads it. No one knows he'll get fired for a bungled project so ignoring it seems safer than addressing it. But, of course, it's the opposite. When you go into denial and ignore something, you don't act. And if you don't act, you can't prevent what you fear from happening. In fact, your inaction may even make it more likely.

Here's a general rule: the more you fear a conversation, the more you probably need to have it. Think of fear as an indicator of a problem that needs to be addressed.

So how do you talk about your fear, dread, insecurity and foreboding? You don't.

If Tricia raised her concerns about Joe wanting her job, he would immediately deny the accusation and, in so doing, make her feel foolish for raising it. They'll both leave the conversation with less trust in each other than before. Raising your suspicions about someone's negative intentions is almost always a bad idea.

But if you don't talk about your fear and you don't ignore your fear, what should you do? Sink your teeth into it.

"Tricia, I want you to make an assumption." I told her, "Assume that Joe is after your job. Why wouldn't he be? He's ambitious and you're in the job that would be his next step. It's a reasonable assumption."

In other words, assume the worst case. Assume your job is at risk. Assume you lack capability. Assume your client is planning to leave. Let's make it even worse: assume everyone else knows it too.

The sooner you accept the situation, the sooner you can do something about it. Instead of shying away from the answers, dive in. Remember: use the fear as a catalyst, not a focus. Your focus needs to be the underlying problem. If you think your boss wants to fire you because of that last project you bungled, ask him to debrief the project and help you plan the next one. If you're worried that raising the issue of overwork will expose your lack of capability, talk to your boss about increasing your capability to manage the workload. An at-risk client? Let the client know you understand why they might be at risk of defection. Then listen.

We often avoid conversations that make us feel vulnerable. Things that touch us deeply, our fears, our self-image, our future. But here's the thing: not talking about them is what actually makes us vulnerable. Once we confront the underlying issues — say them out loud, ask about them, explore them — we feel, and become, much stronger, much less vulnerable. And then we can take powerful action.

So, how to deal with dread?

1. Notice it
2. Understand the underlying problem it's signaling
3. Talk openly about the problem, not the dread
4. Fix the problem

"Fine," Tricia responded, "I can see why it would be reasonable for him to want my job. But I'm not ready to leave, and he's not ready to step into it either. How do I fix the problem?"

"Help him fulfill his ambitions." I said, "Try it with me."

"Okay," she said. "Joe, you're smart and capable and a strong performer. My job — when you're ready — could be a good next step for you but I'm not going anywhere for now. What else interests you and how can I help you get there? I'd like to help you grow — whether it's here or even if it means going to another company."

"Great," I told her. "Then you can also talk about what might get in his way. That whether he wants your job or another, taking sole credit when others deserve some is a bad idea. And you can help him perform even better. As an ally. And from a position of strength, not as someone threatened by Joe, but as someone who can help him achieve his goals."

"Sounds easy," Tricia said

"It's not. Not if you're still afraid."

She laughed. "Afraid of what?"

Why do people work for nonprofit organizations? It's not because we became impassioned at some young age by the nonprofit sector. College students don't demonstrate for the purity of the nonprofit ideal. They demonstrate for causes — like ending the suffering in Darfur or finding a cure for AIDS. None of us got involved in this work because of our love of the tax status under which we operate. We got involved because human suffering is not okay with us, and because we wanted to stop it.

A recent blog post by Phil Buchanan, the president of Duke's Center for Effective Philanthropy, takes issue with my book Uncharitable as well as Matthew Bishop's Philanthrocapitalism . His post, titled "The Attack on Philanthropy," represents a point of view held by traditionalists in the sector. Freeing the nonprofit sector to use the tools of capitalism as I advocate, Buchanan believes, poses "a real danger that an appreciation of the nonprofit sector's distinctive identity and purpose will be lost."

I don't believe that women dying of AIDS in Africa or kids dying of diarrhea in Bangladesh care about the nonprofit sector's distinctive identity or that they want it to have any purpose other than finding a cure for AIDS and getting them clean water, and damn fast.

The intentions on both sides of the argument are good. The traditionalists believe that the present nonprofit form is society's counterbalance; it is the only thing that stands between the world and its total subjugation to a private sector fueled by capitalism; between suffering and more suffering. In their view, the current form keeps things from getting worse, and so they want to preserve the status quo. The rest of us believe that the nonprofit form, as currently constrained, keeps things from getting better. It stands between suffering and ending suffering. We want to change the world, and quickly.

And no one who wants to change the world can say with a straight face that today's nonprofit rulebook has us on a trajectory to that future. The sector is merely trying to keep its head above water.

The world deserves better.

The word "profit" comes from the Latin for progress, so the phrase, "nonprofit," means, literally, "nonprogress." It was a moniker hung around the neck of the sector by Massachusetts's first governor, John Winthrop. In his famous sermon, "A Model of Christian Charity," delivered on his way to the new world, he specifically conflated charity and the lack of profit (yes, that's where it comes from, folks) when he wrote that if the Puritans pursued their "pleasure and profitts," they would "surely perish out of the good land" they were crossing the sea to "posess."

We are here to change the world, not to protect the purity of John Winthrop's 400 year-old nonprofit ideas. As we consider these two wildly different contexts, we would do well to recall John Winthrop's vision for the future, which he outlined in the beginning of his famous sermon:

"God Almighty in his most holy and wise providence hath so disposed of the condition of mankind as in all times some must be rich some poor, some high and eminent in power and dignity others mean and in submission...so that the rich and the mighty should not eat up the poor nor the poor and despised rise up against their superiors and shake off their yoke."

That was his vision, and he developed a model to suit it. We have a different vision, and we need a new model to achieve it. The Puritans thought social conditions were fixed. We believe they can change, dramatically, and that's why we do this work. That's why I do it anyway. How about you?

When you don't like your job, going to work every day can be a challenge. Your problem might be with a bad manager, that you constantly feel stretched to the breaking point, or that you are resentful about taking a pay cut. Or, the whole environment may just feel toxic. You might need to stay in your job because it provides health benefits, or maybe you're only staying while you look for another position. Whatever your reasons for being unhappy, you need to maintain your professionalism and prevent a bad attitude from sabotaging you.

What the Experts Say
Timothy Butler, Senior Fellow and Director of Career Development Programs at Harvard Business School and author of Getting Unstuck: How Dead Ends Become New Paths, believes there's something elemental about the statement 'I'm unhappy at work.'" Butler, whose research focuses on personality structure and work satisfaction, says that to understand your unhappiness, you need to turn towards that feeling of unhappiness, experience it in a deep way, and not try to solve things too quickly. He suggests observing the feelings and not expecting anything. You may just find yourself at a frontier, considering what you're going to do next. "The existential nature of unhappiness is a wake-up call," Butler says. "There's some part of the self that is not being heard, that wants your attention, and that's the issue."

Similarly, Joe Mosca, an associate professor in the Leon Hess Business School at Monmouth University, who specializes in human resources management and organizational behavior, agrees that looking within is the first step. "That may be hard for some people to hear," he suggests, because while it's true that sometimes people just don't match well with their jobs, employees tend to rationalize their job dissatisfaction rather than consider that they may be part of the problem. But if you are part of the problem, you may be part of the solution, too.

Tammy Erickson, a workplace expert and author of Plugged In:The Generation Y Guide to Thriving at Work, advises that if you're unhappy, see if you can upgrade your contribution to the company, or find a way to be more creative about your job. She once performed very dull work in a book bindery but avoided becoming negative about the job by finding a way to make it less boring. Erickson was "interested in the process" and tried completing the tasks in a different order, which made the work quicker, easier, and less monotonous. "No work is uninteresting if you can think how to do it differently," she says.

That's not to say unhappy workers don't have valid complaints. One thing you don't want to do, however, is let your feelings boil over at work.

Signs That You Need to Take Action
Perhaps you've heard of someone who was so unhappy he quit on the spot or blew up at a boss. Losing control at work helps no one and may have repercussions in both your current job and in the future — you never know when you'll work with one of your current colleagues again.

Indications that you need to address your emotions may be physical or behavioral, explains Catherine McCarthy, a clinical psychologist and COO of The Energy Project, an organizational consulting firm. The signs include feeling distracted, sluggish, angry or irritable, not sleeping well or sleeping excessively, relying on alcohol or food to comfort yourself, and withdrawing from friends and activities. All may indicate underlying depression or anxiety, which you shouldn't ignore.

If you feel you have nowhere to turn, are about to burst, or are depressed, one option is to seek out your company's Employee Assistance Program (EAP) if it has one, adds McCarthy. Some EAPs will help you find a counselor, and all are bound by healthcare and workplace laws to keep your request confidential.

There are also things you can try to change in your approach to your job. Consider these solutions for surviving and even thriving in a job that's less than optimal:

1. Face the reality head-on. China Gorman, chief global member engagement officer of the Society for Human Resource Management (SHRM) reminds workers that during a recession or slow recovery, people at all levels experience the pain. Such an economic climate makes it more difficult to leave a job, but it doesn't mean you should feel stuck. Erickson advises that you "Accept that this job is not where you want to be, even if you can't make a change today. But begin taking steps to change things." McCarthy seconds this advice. "Practice radical acceptance," she says. "Tell yourself, 'This is where I am, this is where I'm going to be for a certain amount of time.' You have more control over how you think than you realize." Understand what you're feeling, and that if you show up to work irritated, it affects your performance.

2. Develop a plan. Be proactive. Brainstorm with trusted friends and family members about your ideas. If there's something you'd like to change, decide whether your boss is approachable and if so, the best tactics to use. If you have suggestions, discuss how they will improve your performance as well as others'. The Human Resources department may also be able to help in some way, suggests Gorman, from helping you find a job within the company you're better suited for, to assisting with work/life balance.

You could also try learning a new skill. At the very least, it may help you prepare for another job. It can also lift your spirits and lead to new possibilities at your current job. If your problem is with your boss, Gorman offers advice from personal experience. She once had a boss who was smart and a strategic thinker, but terribly lacking in people skills. Gorman decided to be the boss she wished she'd had. "I made a list of what not to say, for example, and developed skills I still use today," she says.

Finally, consider looking outside your job for fulfillment. Having an outside interest or two gives you another outlet and an activity to look forward to.

3. Find (or Accentuate) the positive. Make a list of the good points about your job, advises McCarthy. Gorman calls this a benefit log. You may be thankful to have healthcare and other benefits. You may like your coworkers, or the fact that you have a short commute. Maybe there's a great gym on-site, or you enjoy the opportunity for travel or the mentoring you do. Listing what you do like about your job will help shift your perception and keep you from feeling so trapped. If you don't take responsibility, "it will hurt your performance, erode your satisfaction further, and make your time at the job worse," she says.

Principles to Remember

Do:

• Differentiate between what you can change and what you can't.
• Take responsibility for making a change.
• Focus on making the best of a bad situation.

Don't:

• Assume nothing will ever change.
• Allow negative thoughts to rule you.
• Go it alone.

Case Study #1: Finding Satisfaction in Some Part of Your Job
Elizabeth Roman (not her real name) had been head of marketing at a professional services firm in New York for four years when she fell out of favor with her boss. He had always given her good performance reviews, so she was stunned the day he let her know that he had little respect for her work.

After that conversation, Roman "hated going to work every day." She resolved to find a new job, but in the meantime, she wanted to find some ways to make her job bearable. "First, I pushed myself to perform at the highest level possible after that conversation so he'd have no further ammunition against me," she said. Along with that, she came up with a creative project for attracting clients, suggested it to her boss, and threw herself into organizing it with her staff. Roman also contacted a mentor at another firm who served as a sounding board and lifted her spirits. She never betrayed her boss and never let her feelings affect her relationship with her employees. When she finally found another position and resigned, she mustered the grace to thank her boss for all he had taught her.

Case Study #2: Finding Satisfaction Outside of Work
Allen Smith (not his real name) is a technologist at consulting giant Bain who became frustrated with what he saw as a lack of a career path. "I also felt like my manager didn't understand what I needed day to day to do my job," he says.

But he liked the people he worked with, so he did some soul-searching, asking himself whether he was unhappy because of someone else or because of his own attitude. He decided it was the latter. Smith had been toying with the idea of starting a business, and he thought if he could do it on the side, it would affect his outlook. He was right.

He was given permission to work three days a week, which allowed him to start the part-time property management business he envisioned. "With a reduced work week, regular chats with my manager, and a focus outside of work, I've become much happier about my time here," he says. In turn, working fewer hours helped reduce his department's budget.

Related Resources
Toxic Emotions at Work and What You Can Do About Them
I Just Quit My Job... Am I Crazy?
Depression at Work
Why Gen Xers Are Unhappy at Work